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God Clarifies Don’t Kill Rule

God Clarifies Don’t Kill Rule

What would happen if God came down and gave a press conference to clarify what He meant by “Do Not Kill”?  In a faux article by The Onion, He chooses to come down right after September 11, 2001 and clarify once and for all what he meant.

“Look, I don’t know, maybe I haven’t made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again,” said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. “Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don’t. And to be honest, I’m really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand.”

If you believe in the Ten Commandments, He would technically be right.  “Thou shalt not kill” is number 6 according to Wikipedia.  God continues clearly exasperated:

“I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important,” said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. “I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?”

How did we get it wrong?  How did the message get so distorted?  Hmmm, let’s see what else He has to say.  He sounds pretty upset.

“I don’t care what faith you are, everybody’s been making this same mistake since the dawn of time,” God said. “The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don’t even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades.”

God then ends his news conference because the tears won’t let him continue.


To read the original full-length The Onion article go here.

Note:  Information being presented here is for entertainment purposes only.

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