Tag: relationships

25 Tips on How to Stop Being Angry at Your Mother

Jul. 22 Featured Posts 3 comments

There are times when your mother makes you happy.  There are times when you miss her like crazy.  But then there are the times when she literally drives you to tears of anger and resentment.  If you are unhappy about it and wish to do something about it, check out the tips below.  Following even just one of the tips will be sure to help bring resolution to the problems.

1)  Walk away.  When you’re having a conversation with your mother and feel that it’s rapidly heading the wrong direction, excuse yourself and leave the room.  Go for a walk.  Listen to music.  Leave the vicinity.  Get a chance to calm down.  Let her know that it’s because you honor, love and respect her that you need a chance to think about things before it escalates into a full-blown argument.

2)  Remember that she’s from a different generation.   We’ve all heard a variation of “when I was young things didn’t happen this way”.  What to do?  Gently remind her that although you acknowledge that rules and customs where different for her, you are living in a society that is rapidly changing and things are done another way.   This new society has different customs and to be successful in it, you are choosing to follow the way it’s done here and now.

3)  You only have one mother.  When all is said and done, most of us only have one person that we consider our mother.  It may be your biological mother or the person who raised you as though you were their own.   Is what you’re angry about really worth it?  If you were to lose her and no longer had access to her motherly love, would you still feel the same amount of anger?  Wouldn’t you rather part ways loving each other rather than being angry and resentful?

4)  Would you rather be happy or be right?  You just had a really intense argument with your mother.  You know with absolute certainty that you are right and she’s wrong.  If you keep arguing you might stop talking for awhile or you might even lose her.  Is being right absolutely worth it?  What’s worth more to you – proving that you are right or having a happy, loving relationship with your mother?

5)  Apologize for your role in the situation.  It takes two people to argue.  Take a step back and figure out what you could have done to stop the conversation from escalating into an argument.  It may be that you got defensive right away and stopped hearing her.  Or maybe you began the conversation with your mind made up and nothing she could have said would have changed your mind.  Either way, figure out where the breakdown happened and apologize for the role you played.  That doesn’t mean conceding, it means taking accountability for things escalating from a conversation to an argument/fight.

6)  Put yourself in her shoes.  See life from her point of view.  Would you pay attention to the same details if you had her responsibilities?  Let’s say she’s having trouble making ends meet, she may not be so interested in hearing how you lost your luxury rental and had to settle for the economy pack.  Or maybe it’s just the opposite:  she’s always had whatever she wants at the tip of her fingertips and can’t understand why you’re balking at spending your hard-earned money at a fancy dinner.  Either way, try to see the situation from her side before you start pointing fingers.  It just might make the difference.

7)  Write her a letter.  You may be the kind of person who has difficulty saying what’s on their minds.  Or you might have found that you started to say something but she wasn’t receptive. Your solution might just be to grab pen and paper and tell your mother how you feel.  Write out how things are from both points of view and where you see the breakdown occurring.  End the letter by acknowledging your love and appreciation for her.

8)  Write out your feelings.  Sometimes you may be angry at your mother and either you aren’t in a situation where you can express them, or you may not even be sure exactly why you are mad.  Freestyle writing might help you express all the hurt and pain you’re feeling without causing more.  Write out every thought that comes to your mind.  Don’t worry about spelling or punctuation.  Just write it.  Reach into the farthest corners of your mind and write down what you find.  You might be surprised at the real reason why you are angry.  Once you’re done, burn the paper and then make a plan of action.

9)  Don’t shout, yell or scream.  Have you ever noticed that the more people shout the less they are listening?  When two people are really connected they communicate with a single look or touch.  But if you’re busy shouting, your ability to listen is greatly diminished.  If you really want your mother to listen to you, don’t raise your voice or scream obscenities at her.  It will only put her on the defensive and will prevent her from hearing what you’re saying.  Leave the room if you must but don’t raise your volume as a means of being heard.

10)   Is her behavior specific to you? It might seem like she’s always picking on you but is she really? Are you sure she doesn’t do it to others?   Maybe what you’re seeing is your mother dealing with problems and emotions the only way she knows how to and will be the same no matter who she’s dealing with.  If that’s the case, you might decide to spend your energy helping her deal with problems a different way, rather than being angry at the specific behavior or conversation.

11)   Spend some time with her doing mundane tasks.  Help her with her chores or organizing her office.  Find out what she has going on in her life.  She may have pressures that you never knew she had.  Your mother will appreciate having someone to help relieve her stress, you might learn something new, and you might even have time left over to do something fun.

12)   Watch a movie with her that can help express how you feel.   Use the situations in the movie an opening to bring up what’s bothering you.  For example, Freaky Friday is a wonderful movie about a mother and daughter who literally switch places.  If you’re having trouble understanding what’s going on in each other’s lives, this is a great conversation starter.

13)   Practice gratitude.  Every night before you go to sleep, think about one thing that you are truly grateful for about your mother.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s something big or something small.  Maybe it’s the chicken soup she makes for you when you’re sick. Or maybe how she acts as a buffer between you and those who pick on you.  Write one thing down every day before you go to bed and re-read it every morning.  Before long you might find the anger you feel inside dissipating.

14)   Is it the pain talking?  Do either of you have a physical illness or discomfort that exacerbates the situation?   Most people can’t think their best or clearest when they’re in pain.  They might even lash out and say things they wouldn’t have said otherwise.  Perhaps you should hold tough conversations for a time when the pain-killers have kicked in and you or she can think clearly.

15)   Are you communicating enough?  We can only do the best we can with the information we have available to us.  If you don’t tell her what’s really going on in your life, how do you expect her to empathize with you?  If she doesn’t tell you what’s behind her decisions, how are you going to perceive them as being fair?  Talk to each other and be honest about your feelings and emotions surrounding the particular situation you are angry about.

16)   Pay attention to your dreams.  For those of us who can remember our dreams, they can offer amazing insights into a particular situation.  If you are angry at your mother and you have a dream about her, pay special attention to what happens in the dream.  Perhaps your unconscious mind is trying to tell you something.

17)   Stand up for what you truly believe in.  You may be angry at your mother for making you do something that goes against your grain.  Perhaps you wanted to study French cooking since you were little but she insisted on you becoming a doctor.  Or maybe she wanted you to buy that sporty new convertible but you really felt more comfortable with a utilitarian vehicle.  Whatever it is, stand up for your rights as this will diminish the anger and resentment you’ll feel towards your mother.

18)   Don’t give in to the guilt.  There are certain situations where your mother may be guilt-tripping you into doing something she knows you don’t want to do.  No matter how many times you’ve told yourself you won’t give in, you still end up doing want she wants.  The anger you feel inside might be avoided if you hadn’t given in to the guilt in the first place.  Next time, be firm and say “thank you but no thanks”.  Guilt serves no one and leads to the erosion of the relationship.  Save yourself the time and the trouble and learn to say no gently and kindly, but firmly.

19)   Offer an alternative solution.  Is there some other way to get resolve the issues that are feeding your anger?  Perhaps you’re angry because you have to give up your Sunday mornings so that you can take your mother to see her long-lost relatives (which you find boring).  Maybe you can arrange a once-a-month soiree where they come and see her instead.  Or you might be mad that she picks the exact moment when your favorite show comes on TV to bug you about anything and everything.  You might pick a particular hour as “mom hour” when she can talk to you about whatever’s on her mind.

20)   Stop lying to her.  If you want your mother to believe you when you are having a conversation, tell her the truth and be willing to face the consequences of your actions.  Even if she doesn’t agree with what you’ve done, the conversation will move from accusations of deceit to a more productive conversation about solutions and what to do going forward.

21)   Show an interest in her life.  You might be angry at your mother because it feels like she never takes an active interest in what goes on in your life.  If you want your mother to take more of an interest in your life, show her by example and take an interest in hers.  Maybe she’s really into soap operas.  Ask her about what she gets out of watching them.  She might be into charities or book clubs.  Go to an event with her.  Afterwards ask her if she’s willing to come to one of your events.  You might be pleasantly surprised.

22)   Talk to people that knew her when she was younger.  You’d be amazed at all the things you can find out about your mother by talking to her old friends or colleagues.  Maybe she pushes you away from dating a particular type of person because she had a bad experience with someone similar in her past.  She might push you to look your best at all times because people made fun of her looks when she was little and she doesn’t want the same thing happening to you.  Who knows what you’ll find out but chances are high that it’ll lead to a new understanding of her current actions and decisions.

23)   Bring in a mediator.  When the two of you can’t find a solution or middle ground, it might be time to bring in a neutral third party.  Someone who isn’t related to either of you and can act as a buffer as well as help you come to a mutual agreement.

24)   Seek professional help.  Try as we might, there are resentments that are so deep that we cannot deal with them on our own.  Rather than continue carrying that anger and resentment around, talk to a professional counselor or therapists.  They may be able to shed light on the issues or help you see the situations from different perspectives.

25)   Agree to disagree.  Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t see eye to eye.  When you’ve tried every which way to make matters better and nothing seems to work, you might decide that it’s time to let sleeping dogs lie and agree to disagree.

 

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Is There an Elephant in Your Room?

Aug. 09 Featured Posts no comments

We have all been there - a situation when we need to have a difficult conversation with someone and we just don’t know how to start. Maybe, someone we love is going through something that is really difficult and we want to give them their space but we also want to remind them… we are there for them.

Sharon Brennan, the creator of the There’s An Elephant in the Room cards, has developed a greeting card that will help you say what you need to say.  The Elephant in the Room cards give a person a chance to say something that might be difficult to say, but that needs to be said but in a way that is more comfortable for all parties.

After visiting Sharon’s website and reading through her cards, I was inspired to learn more about what inspired her to create these cards and how people can use them to handle different situations in their lives.  In the following interview, you’ll get a sense of the person behind this great idea as well as inspiration on how to incorporate them into your difficult conversations.

Soulgineering: Can you describe, “There’s an Elephant in the Room” cards?

Sharon: “There’s an Elephant in the Room Cards” were designed to help people move with grace through difficult moments in their relationships. When I was creating them, I tried to think of all the times in my life when I had found words so difficult to say out loud. I then came to realize that when I did have the courage to say the words, suddenly I was on a new road with the relationship or situation. Sometimes this meant leaving someone behind that was doing me harm and often it was a time when I needed help but was too proud or afraid to ask for it. For some reason many of us have come to believe that we have to carry a burden alone or save face by not speaking up. Often for me, if I let a stressful issue go too long, I find that I deal with the scenario with much less grace because I am frustrated or angry by the time I say anything at all. These cards are designed to help people who are afraid yet know things must change, and just can’t say the words out loud. Available in paper and e-cards, they have been created to restore, to blast holes in dark places and let the light in, and to move elephants out of rooms. Although the subject matter is brewed in difficult times, each card is infused with humanity, each message written with an imagined positive outcome and each elephant standing aware of the weight it carries as it travels to its destination.

Soulgineering: What caused the light bulb to go off in your head that you should turn sometimes awkward, uncomfortable or even sometimes hard-to-state loving comments into a type of greeting card?

Sharon: A few years ago our daughter was accepted to university and my husband and I were so proud. We told everyone what a genius she was. We were THOSE people who after a dinner party, the rest of the guests ask “do they really think they are the only people who have ever had a child accepted to a university?” We didn’t care. We carried on. We would chat brightly about her future – she might teach, (at a university level of course). She might write a book, (certainly it would be a best seller!) As summer days passed we became more sentimental. The evening before her flight there was champagne and tears. She was ready! We knew it. Looking back now, I don’t remember our daughter having that much to say that summer. Off she went to school though and within a matter of days she had met a boy and by Christmas she had dropped out, moved in with him and shortly thereafter announced they were going to Australia.

We were devastated and reacted with all kinds of things like “You’re ruining your life!” “Do you know how many people can’t go to university?” And my personal favorite, “How could you do this to US?” Replaying these events in my mind I realized that the frustration we felt was amplified by not saying what we were really feeling. We should have said what was in our hearts. “We love you so much. Please be careful with your precious life. If it doesn’t work out, you can always come home”.

Not long after this a friend of mine found herself standing in church next to her mother’s casket. Beside her was her sister whose rounded belly told all that she was expecting her first baby. Their Dad had died a year before in a car accident and now their Mum had gone the same way. I sat and watched these two women and wondered how they would cope. Sniffles in the congregation displayed that many were grieving this loss, yet the sisters stood tall, spoke strongly of loving memories and met each guest with care. Listening to the minister’s calming words I looked around the room. Children were fidgeting, couples were pensively looking on and seniors were no doubt remembering friends who were gone. I looked back at my friend and realized that within a few days the routine would resume for us. I wondered, “As the rest of us recover and move on what about you?”

The initial idea for these cards though came from an incident involving a friend’s son who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. He had been to rehabilitation centers and seemed to be improving until one day when his Dad stopped by his apartment unexpectedly and very quickly realized that his boy was using drugs again. Confronting him he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were in trouble? You know I would help you.” His son sat for a moment and said “I’ve let you down so many times, I just couldn’t disappoint you again. I just couldn’t say the words out loud.” To think that a person could have all of this love and support and yet feel like they couldn’t say the necessary words to ask for help, well it just broke my heart.

Soulgineering: What are some examples of Elephant in the room cards?

Sharon: There are 24 cards in the line so I won’t list them all, theycan be seen at www.elephantroomcards.com, but a few I like are:
- “I love how you can save the day…but I need to do this for myself”
- “I’m confused…what has changed between us”.
- “I’m exhausted…I can’t be happy for both of us”
- “My heart is like a rock in my belly…I let you down and I’m sorry”
- “If we want to survive…we need to make a change”

Soulgineering: Some of the cards have a pretty intense message, for example, “Enough, enough…I have had enough” or “Simply put.you need to let me go.” how are people at the receiving end of these cards responding?

Sharon: One of the surprising things is that I don’t really hear from people who receive the cards, but I do hear from those who sent them. The real purpose of the line is to open up communication. This may bring some defensive reactions at times. This is natural. Once the message has been delivered though, it’s out there and it has to be addressed, so when I get letters they come from people who have made the decision that they can’t stand keeping everything inside anymore, and they do feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted off their shoulders even if it has brought with it consequences that force an issue. They have left the chaos and sick stomach that comes with not speaking their own truth, and in some cases they have finally asked someone for help. Both of these scenarios carry tremendous power. I spoke to a man this weekend, a lawyer who told me that until he became sick with cancer he had no idea how much so many people cared for him. He said, “If one of my friends sent me a card that said “I’m in trouble”, I would drop everything and go to them to help them”, so why would this man be so willing to offer help but be so afraid to ask for it when he was in need? I have also had people tell me that when they send a more difficult message often the person on the receiving end is almost as relieved as they are, because they too haven’t had the courage to address the elephant in the room but know at some point the conversation is going to have to take place.

Soulgineering: In situations involving those cards, do you think that the response from the receiver is kind of not that important, it is really all about the empowerment of the sender?

Sharon: I think that all of the parts of our human experience that we can control, are governed by one thing, and that is, how we react to what is going on in our lives. So the cards are all about the sender reacting with respect to whatever situation has brought them to this place. The person who receives the card is then given exactly the same opportunity to respond with respect or not. The sender cannot control this but with an open and yes empowered heart, they can know that they did what they could to keep communication in a non-aggressive environment. The cards are generally straight forward enough that they are clear and leave little ambiguity for the one on the receiving end. It has been my experience that the more aggressive someone is about receiving news in a respectful way, the more important it was to deliver the message in the first place.
Soulgineering: What do you advise people to do once they have sent the card?

Sharon: I really don’t advise. I am the creator of the cards and I have certainly given all of this a lot of thought, but I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist so I am careful about giving advice. My thought though, based on my own vast, life experience from past relationship mess-ups, when I didn’t say what was needed to be said, is that every single relationship will unfold, restore or end, based on the individuals in it and who they are, where they are in their lives and what each of them want going forward. I think that most of us know what to do most of the time, we just don’t have the courage to do it. Many people stay in unhappy relationships citing a multitude of excuses, or spend their lives complaining to people who cannot do anything about the situation, rather than taking the steps to fix it themselves. So to answer your question, the only thing a person can do once they have sent the cards is wait for the reaction that comes back and then react to that, keeping the initial goal of respectful communication in mind

 

 

Sharon Brennan has co-written and contributed to two books, The Action Sandwich and  The Right Road.  Sharon has a solid background in Arts Management having worked in the world of symphony orchestras in marketing, development and special events roles as well as senior administration. For the past decade she has acted as manager, promoter and co-writer with musician, author and public speaker Alan Frew.
She also works for Jeans ’n Classics Inc., (www.jeansnclassics.com) her family business creates, produces and performs symphonic rock concerts with orchestras all over the world. Sharon and her family live in Canada.

 

Visit There’s an Elephant in the Room website to view cards and learn more about Sharon.

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Should You Stay With or Leave Your Partner?

Jul. 01 Featured Posts 2 comments

Whether you’ve been with someone for a few weeks, months, or years, determining whether you should stay in a relationship or leave is a decision that can be hard to reach.  You once thought that you were perfect for each other but you are starting to have doubts.  Or perhaps your partner has started hinting that you might be better off if you go separate ways.  How do you go about deciding whether to stay and hope it gets better, or leave and cut your losses?  While the answer lies fully within you, there are guidelines that can help you determine how you really feel and what route you should take.  You can choose to talk to a counselor, a pastor or priest, a close friend, or a member of your family.  However, in the meantime you can always start the process by stopping to take full inventory of where your relationship stands and where you want to be.

The 60 questions you will find below are meant as a guide to assist you in making the right decision, not only for you but also for your partner and/or children as well.  There are many more questions that can be asked and it would be hard to anticipate every situation that humans encounter.  But if you feel that at least one of these questions hits the nail on the head, then you can address the real issue at hand and hopefully reach a solution.

1.  Is the relationship elevating you to new heights or dragging you into the dumps?

2.  Are the problems you are facing now temporary or permanent?

3.  Are you or your partner physically, mentally or emotionally abusive to each other?

4.  If you are separated by distance, how does this affect the relationship?  Does it make it easier or harder?

5.  Is your partner incarcerated or in a mental health institution and if so, how long will they be there?

6.  If you were presented with the opportunity to marry again or start the relationship over again, would you still do it knowing what you know now?

7.  Did you or your partner do something that the other just can’t forgive?  Does it keep resurfacing in your fights and arguments?

8.  Is it really love keeping you together or the fear of being alone or the feeling that no one else will love you or want you?

9.  Do you respect your partner?  Do they respect you?

10.  If God told you that it was okay to leave the relationship, would you feel relieved?

11.  Is your partner meeting your needs?  Are you meeting theirs?

12.  If you weren’t in a relationship with this person and you didn’t have the feelings of lust or love, would you still like them as a person?  Would you still enjoy their company and conversation?

13.  Are you proud to be with your partner?

14.  Are you still sexually attracted to your partner?  Is your partner still sexually attracted to you?

15.  Does your partner relish in your success or do they resent it?

16.  Do you and your partner still have fun together?

17.  Do you and your partner have mutual goals that you’d like to fulfill as a couple?

18.  Does your relationship enhance your life or does it drain it?

19.  Do you still see your partner and relationship as providing you with long-term happiness?

20.  Have either of you lost your commitment to each other?

21.  Do you spend most of your time fighting or sharing your love for each other?

22.  Has one of you achieved great personal growth while the other has remained stagnant?  Have you outgrown the relationship?

23.  Are you or your partner ambivalent about commitment?  Do you want to take your relationship to the next level – whether it’s moving in together, getting married, having kids, buying property together or starting a business together?

24.  If your religious beliefs weren’t an issue, would you still stay?

25.  If you don’t have children yet, do you see your partner as a great mother/father to your kids?

26.  If you do have children, what do you think they would advise you to do?

27.  When you cry, are you crying because you think you failed once again or are you crying because you feel the loss of a loved one in your life?

28.  Is your life and/or that of your loved ones in danger if you stay?

29.  Are financial reasons the biggest reason of why you are choosing to stay?

30.  Do you still love your partner?  Are you still in love with your partner?

31.  Is your partner holding you back from accomplishing your life goals?

32.  Do you want to spend the only life you have attached to this person?

33.  When was the first time you thought of leaving your partner?  Has it been days, months or years?  Has it gotten any better?

34.  If you were to ask the person you most trusted and respected for advice about your relationship, what would they say?

35.  If cheating was involved, what led to the cheating?  What needs was your partner not meeting that this new person did?  What needs were you not able to meet that the other person did?

36.  Are you still having sexual relations with your partner?

37.  When was the last time you made love?

38.  Can you still communicate with each other via a silent glance across a crowded room or do you resort to shouting and yelling?

39.  Does your partner encourage you to be yourself or do they urge you to be their version of an ideal partner?

40.  If you made a list of the qualities you desire in an ideal partner, how many of those qualities would your partner have?  If your partner did their own list, how many qualities would you have?

41.  What’s the worst thing that could happen if you stay?  What’s the worst thing that could happen if you left?

42.  Do you still feel or have you ever felt genuine admiration and awe for your partner?

43.  Are you still waiting for them to change?  How long have you been waiting?  How long will you continue to wait?

44.  Do you have a support network that you can turn to that will be there for you regardless of the decision you make?

45.  Do you have the freedom and ability to live your own life alongside your partner or do they control every aspect of your life?

46.  What does your gut tell you to do?  Do your instincts tell you to leave or to stay?

47.  Is your partner waiting for you to change?

48.  Are you in love with your partner or are you in love with the idea of your partner or even your partner’s potential?

49.  Do you still make time to go out on date nights where it’s just the two of you?

50.  Is there still trust in the relationship?  Are there constant accusations of jealousy, lying or betrayal?

51.  Do you find that you’re constantly experiencing your own worst qualities rather than your best?  Does your partner bring out the worst in you or the best?

52.  How do you feel about the things they consider important: their friends, their hobbies, their career, their family, etc.?

53.  Do you love your partner enough to do what’s right for them?

54.  Do you fear hurting your partner if you were to leave?  Which would hurt them more, having you stay when you don’t want to, or leaving them and releasing them to follow another path?

55.  Are you strong enough to leave?  Are you strong enough to stay?  What can you do to increase your strength?

56.  Do you take each other for granted?

57.  Is your fear of change greater than your need for happiness?

58.  Do you share political beliefs?  Spiritual beliefs?  Are you respectful of each other’s opinions?

59.  Do your extended families get along?  What do you think about your in-laws?  What do they think of you?  Is there any unresolvable friction between you?

60. Do you love yourself enough to do what is right for you?

Remember, only you and your partner can decide whether you should stay or end your relationship.  Whatever decision you do decide to make, make it a guilt-free decision by realizing that you are making the best decision you can based on the current knowledge you have.   Make a fully-informed and well-thought-out decision and you’ll have no regrets.

Good luck!

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Turning Emotional Pain into Music

Jun. 22 Audio no comments

What if you were able to turn all that emotional pain that you are feeling into something beautiful?  That’s the idea that Ze Frank had when he created the Pain Pack: a compendium of voice messages describing people’s emotional pain which were remastered into music.

It all started when Ze  posted a notice on Twitter to have people who were experiencing emotional pain call him and describe what they felt.  Over the next two days he received 53 messages and 6 of those gave him permission to use the messages for his project.  Ze then sent these out to various DJ’s in MP3 format and asked them to make sounds from the recordings by manipulating them any way they chose.  The result was 138 samples which Ze calls the Pain Pack.  He then invited musicians to use these samples to create songs and the end result is 17 amazing works of art.

The end musical results are certainly impactful, but just as gripping are the initial recordings.  The messages are so raw and real that it makes you want to reach out and hug the caller, providing some of the comfort and empathy that they crave.

Here are some of the more telling quotes pulled from the recordings:

1)  Female: “I’m not alone and I am loved.  I’m really fortunate, but sometimes I fee lonely and when I feel that way even the smallest act of kindness make me cry.”

2) Female dealing with grief :  “I don’t think I appreciated him enough when he was alive…   If I could go back in time I would try so hard to change it.  I don’t care about paradoxes.  If I could go back and change it I would.  I would at least let him know that I care, that other people care.”

3) Male dealing with a breakup that happened 6 months prior (translated from Spanish):   “I suppose the worst has passed.  Deep down what hurts me most is not to realize how stupid it was. My heart aches for having given it [to her]. She was so fucking immature not to be honest with me and life. Six months have passed and I still fall asleep saying her name  and picturing her in my mind.”

4)  Female dealing with a breakup:  “I would describe it as being like a well of sadness, like something that the sun won’t dry up.  Something that you just have to pull buckets of water out of one at a time and dump on the ground until they’re all gone.  And it takes a long time.”

5)  Female  who’s confused about whether she should dump her boyfriend of four years who won’t commit.  “I’m really confused about what to do right now because the conflict we have makes it seem like it’s impossible sometimes and sometimes we have hope.  I’m just not sure how to handle it.  Life just seems too big right now.”

6) Female dealing with breakup.  “He’s five hundred miles away and he can escape and has people he can talk to and new friends to make and I have no access to that.  It hurts that I can’t do anything and that when he broke up with me we were happy together so I barely understand even why it happened.”

 

To listen to the original recordings, the 138 samples derived from them, and the resulting songs, visit Ze Frank’s website.

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How to Deal with Ornery Family Members

May. 26 Everyday Life no comments

Can I divorce a family member? They’re just so mean!

If you have ever encountered an ornery person you know they can be difficult to deal with and it’s hard to maintain your cool.  Most of the time you can either ignore them or walk away.  But what happens when that person is a member of your family?  Chances are they will be ornery for the rest of their life.  Will you go through the same bad experience every time you encounter them?  What if it’s a daily occurrence?  How will you be able to survive the next family gathering?

Family members can push our buttons, sometimes unknowingly.  They can bring up some of our old childhood patterns which we carry throughout our lives.  While it might be tempting to respond in kind, consider that family relationships will endure beyond the offending behavior.  Also consider how your response will affect other family members.

First let’s figure out what ornery actually means.  The dictionary defines ornery as someone who is ugly and unpleasant in disposition or temper; stubborn; mean-spirited, disagreeable, and contrary in disposition; or cantankerous.  If your family member fits any of these descriptions, you probably have a difficult time being pleasant to them or even being in the same room as them.  If they are a parent or grandparent and need care, it may be difficult for you to offer it willingly.  Before you tear your hair out, take a look at the following pieces of advice that might help you handle a tough situation.

  1. Don’t let that person get to you.  Chances are high that they are the same way with everyone.
  2. Try to find out a little more about them.  Where they treated cruelly when they were young? Are they in an abusive relationship now?  Do they have health problems?  Are they lonely?  What were their parents like?  Finding out more about them may help you understand them more.  Who knows?  Maybe getting them someone to hang out with will change their disposition.
  3. View them as a stimulus for growth.  They will give you an excellent opportunity to rise above the situation and for you to love them in spite of their offensive behavior.
  4. Don’t plan on changing them.  Instead, try to change your attitude about them.
  5. Focus on their redeeming qualities.  Everyone has them, some just might be harder to perceive than others.
  6. Consider whether there is any truth in what the person is saying to you.  Did they get to you because internally you think that they are right?  Work on yourself to improve those things which need some improvement.  The next time your ornery family member tries to push a button, they’ll find that the button is long gone.
  7. Redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic.  If that conversation always turns sour on a given area of your life, refocus the conversation on something that you know they will enjoy talking about.
  8. Meet the person in a neutral setting.  If they say things to you in private that they would never say in front of strangers, consider bringing someone along to act as a buffer.
  9. If your family member managed to get to you and you feel like you are about to lose your cool, excuse yourself and go somewhere where you can be alone for a few minutes.  Bathrooms are great areas for a few minutes of relative alone time. (See One Minute Meditation) Once there, consider the things that you like about yourself and focus on that.  Once you’ve taken a few deep breaths and have calmed down, rejoin the conversation.
  10. Don’t let them have power over you.  The only person that can lower your self-esteem is you.
  11. If the situation is extreme, consider the drastic move of severing your ties to them.  However, consider that at some point down the road you might actually miss that person.  After all, they are the only family you have.  We can trade friends out, we can leave spouses, but family members are with us through the end.

Figuring out how to deal with an ornery family member can be taxing and time consuming.  However, if you manage to implement at least one of these pieces of advice, you will be ahead of the game for the next encounter.

 

Photo courtesy of Bumblebee at Sharenator.com.

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